19/03/24
I usually use this diary for sharing information related to my thought, but this time i need YOU to give me answers.
THE CONTEXT:
Yesterday i was scrolling through my old old diary (yes. There was an older diary that came before the old diary)
and i came across an entry that, in short, was a rant about starting the habit to force myself to be more positive.
there were also update posts on how it was going. As i kept reading these texts i had no memory of, i realized more and
more that the way i was forcing myself to think is exactly the same way i think naturally now.
THE QUESTION:
All of this made me question if i really am myself and not just a filtered version of the truth, altered to fit what
gives the brain more serotonin. who is cruz? is cruz cruz? am i me? i used to feel like everyone else was falsified
and plain but now i wonder if i am the one who does not exist. It's really hard for me to think negatively like i used
to. (i was convinced life was pointless, and that all of reality was a burden to my existence) My last guide once said
"where did the nice cruz who loved cats go?" but the real question might be "is that the real cruz?"
Please, if you read this, i need an answer. This is troubling me
In case you need more information about the entries, Ill paste them below:
Entry #2
Today i have two things to say
1. I have been drinking more water, it no longer hurts to smile
2. This is my first day trying to force myself into thinking more positively, life is great and i should appreciate it
more for what it is and not what it could've been. Another good thing about life is the happiness in being kind. You
really can make a change and Don't let anyone, not even yourself tell you otherwise. Just trying to be nice is
enough to make you a good person, because actions are what matter, and if your actions are good, so are you
Entry #3
This is day two of forcing myself into thinking positively: First of all, tonight i remembered something i told myself over
a year ago, i told myself that none of the suffering in this world is or will ever be worth it, even if there are some happy
moments, i also told myself to keep this mindset forever. "¿Why?" I can't remember, but i remember considering it very
important to keep that mindset. This will be a huuge wall to changing my perspective on life because
1: I made myself promise i would never change that mindset
2: I'm scared of deception, i don't want to think everything is going to be fine just for things to go to hell
But anyway, this is for the better, i will break the promise and start thinking the bad moments are worth it, so from now
on, i will start thinking everything is worth it as long as there's happiness in the future. To justify this thought, i will
tell myself that all the struggles i've gone through have made me who i am now, and i love who i am, so i think this is
enough to convince myself as long as i block every negative thought that opposes my goal
On other notes, i found out what i'm doing is called "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy", so should i start calling it that
nstead of "forcing myself into thinking positively"?
Entry #4
This is day 3 of forcing myself into thinking positively. Same situation as yesterday except I'm feeling better about living
a life, just a little bit better
Entry #8
8th day of forcing myself into thinking positively: it seems i succeeded, i am now more positive about things