2/02/24
The other day i went to therapy, can't remember when exactly but i was talking to my psychiatrist about my nightmares and my trouble remembering. He said i might have PTSD. I did not get officially diagnosed but if i happen to actually have PTSD, i'd know the exact reason of why i have it, that being: consuming TOO MUCH shock content from 2020 to 2022 while being completely isolated from everyone, friendless and living in a pretty dysfunctional family. that was the most interesting era of my life and really taught me a lot about how not to practice self-care. So in this entry i would like to tell you about my experience with shock content, PTSD from it, advice, and at the end tell you about my projects for the future.


The first thing to know is why i willingly threw myself to such a fate knowing it would negatively affect me; Well, that was completely intended, in fact, that was the whole point of watching shock content. You see, i did not enjoy it at first, but one day i was bored in the living room, i was wondering how fucked up a human being could become, i was already in a horrible mental state at the moment so i just thought "hey, there's only one way to find out, and it won't be anyone else's problem, so i might as well try it" so i went ahead and spent the next two years looking for anything that could mentally damage me (pretty stupid idea, but otherwise i would've died of boredom, so i don't regret anything. not gonna lie) i tried everything, anything that caused me the most minimum damage was something i would do without thinking twice, which obviously caused the desired impact on my life, over time i began enjoying it, i even adapted the phrase "don't hate it or avoid it; embrace it and let it become a part of you". it made me feel energized, powerful and euphoric, and then i was just numb to it, so i started doing more extreme activities of which i cannot talk about here because of neocities rules. Until one day i was browsing the internet to see what i could find, and found the most disturbing thing i have seen to this day, i tried to avoid it but it was too late, i embraced it before i could even realize, and it became part of me, that's where my illness came from (and my potential PTSD as well).


So, what was the aftermath of this? Well, i suffered from many episodes where i would feel the exact same euphoric feeling i felt back then, got a lot of heavy mood swings, specially when i saw blood or people that remind me of it, my already crippling depression worsened, became paranoid, hostile, irritable, and a LOOOOOT of of other things, some of which i have already made entries about, like my nightmares. But i am recovering well, and am pretty happy even tho my life might never be normal again, because i know it will sure as hell be interesting.


Now, what can you do to take care of yourself and not go through all of this? Just listen to your therapist (if you have one), avoid shock content at all costs, don't watch too much news because the world is a mess, and consume healthy content, like cat videos.


About my projects, i plan on changing the entire website design on summer vacation, i don't have a detailed idea of how it will be, but i'm taking inspiration from dimden.dev. And about the color converter it is going well, below there's a picture of it's current state:



I am also planning on making audio recordings of these entries and uploading them on youtube